from my LJ:

this is a stupid entry.
seriously stupid.
because I dunno what good it'll do even if I do private it.
and keep it to myself.
hahaha.
Anyway, blogs are supposed to be private right?
and, anyway no one checks my LJ.

I dunno what's happening to my life.
I failed 2 subjects last term. and I didn't even feel a hint of guilt.
I know its wrong, but I think I deserve it.

This term, I'm going to do my best.
Yeah right huh? I always say this crap when I don't even try and do anything.
Actually, I'm just trying to be more responsible.
Right now, I'm reading Durkheim for a paper due on tuesday.
I want to do better, really.

Thesis is another factor.
I'll be getting the famous Dr. Hila to be my mentor.
wow. expectation much and not to mention pressure. hahaha.

Sigh. SJUPH.
Yes, its fun. its fulfilling.
but.. I don't know.
I feel crazy for doing this.
for starting this.
for pushing for this.
am I doing the right thing???

Man, is this all worth it?
what am I doing with my life?
am I going to earn something for doing all this shit?

Future?
Law School?
Korea?

Do you still have that drive to see Lee DongHae?
I don't think so...
You want to see him, but not now.
You still want him to be significant to your life.
I know.
I understand.
Don't worry, that day will come.

this is what I'll do in the mean time.
run away
its the one thing I'm good at.

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

its actually okay.
being alone once in a while.
or... being in solitude for over months now.
no one knows the pain.
because no one asks.
no one cares.

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

you hear no lies.
no excuses.
no escape.
even for myself.

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come

if I ask you, would you?
I want to be at least with you when I run away.
I know I've been eluding you.
because I don't know how to face you.

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

On sunday, when we finally cross paths again.
would you finally recognize me?
would you smile at me like you once did?
would you hold my hand?
would you hug me like when you comforted me before?

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

will you talk to me with the tender tone you once used?
would you kiss me under the rain just like how I would think it would happen?
would you take another chance at love with me?


I doubt you will
and if you did, I've learned my lesson.

I am invisible.
Irrelevant.
Crazy.
Weird.
Psychotic.
Suicidal.
Stupid.

I am Cheerful.
Fun-loving.
Bouncy.
Friendly.
Studious.
Nice.
Naughty.

Who am I?
am I just versatile?
or do I try too hard?

Do you like me?
I know you don't.
you think I'm annoying.
A girl who can't make up her mind.
a girl who doesn't know how to decide for herself.
you think you know everything huh?
when every step you make takes you deeper in that shithole you got yourself into.
You think its fun to be me.
you think its so interesting.
you think its amazing.

My life is SHIT.
my life is... pathetic.
I live in such a pathetic world
where I have to bear with people who doesn't even know.
who doesn't understand.

hahaha. Is this a mood swing?
no.
this is me.
If you know me, then you'll understand.
if you don't understand, don't ask.
you never will.

I've been living for someone else.
when should I start living for myself?